you what?

i ate some almonds.

so what?

big deal.

correct.

it turned in to a very large deal.

i ate one. one became three, then five, then i munched my way through ten, twenty, twenty-five, god knows how many.

i expected to feel a little bad at least, but after a couple of minutes i just could not stand the fact that i'd eaten and not throw it up.

i just had to get them out of me.

the smell of a few almonds and stomach acid is truly ungodly. too much information, i know. sorry. i'm just more upset about the fact that mia seems to have a much stronger grip on me than i'd thought.

she's kind of like my safety net; i know she's there, but i'd rather not need her.

if i fail ana and go on a binge, or, more lately, if i eat at all, mia is the only thing that has a chance of making  me feel better.

i guess, if i don't eat, i won't have anything to purge, and goodbye mia.

that's some pretty twisted logic, i'll admit.