a tiny step closer

ahhh.
my grandparents were still here today, so once again i ate more than i'd planned, but still, it was better than yesterday again, which is great. i had a cupcake in the morning, then a little while ago i had some cheese and almonds and stuff. it wasn't much but i felt so full and disgusting so i tried to purge. i couldn't get anything up though, so i've decided that i will not, under any circumstances or for any reason eat anything more tonight, which will be hardddd, 'cause i always get more nibblish at night. i'm going to make an edit on this post just before i go to bed, to say if i stuck to that or not, just for some extra motivation. i'm going to have my water bottle in my hand at all times, and i'll keep drinking til water is coming out my ears if that's what it'll take to stop me eating more food. i'll just stay on here and read blogs, look at thinspo, anything to reinforce the idea that putting food in my mouth is going to keep me from being thin, which is what i want more than anything.

anyway, in other news, my grandparents just left to go home, they live about three and a half hours away so i don't get to see them much. they are the nicest people ever, and they gave me some money before they went, which is so good, 'cause i only had 43 cents haha. and i planned a sleepover with one of my best friends, sidney (not her real name, but that's the name i'll use to refer to her throughout this blog) for thursday, so i'm pretty excited right now (: i've known her since i was four, and we just totally get each other, she's amazing. and she's also super-skinny, like, the skinniest person i know. if you saw her, you'd probably think she has an ED, but she doesn't. she eats like a pig, but she has an insanely high metabolism. it's so not fair! she's pretty used to me not eating around her, so thursday and friday shouldn't be too hard.

i think that's all i've got for now, i'll pop on again quickly just before bed, hopefully with good news!


//edit://

i failed.
i ate.
and i couldn't even make myself purge.
i'm seriously just so disgusted with myself.
i feel sick.
i'm fat.
revolting.
filthy.
a big fucking failure.
god, i hate myself.