ahh shit.

well, after such an optimistic start, today turned to shit, food-wise.
i got so much chocolate, it was ridiculous. i thought, i'll just have one. then one more, then another, then i decided fuck it, i'll just eat a bunch, and go purge. so i did, then i put all the other eggs together and put then in a hard to get to place in my room, determined to not even think of them, let alone eat them.
then the rest of the family went to church, and i wandered over to the fridge and found leftovers from last night, spag-bol. and i just started eating the meat sauce. it was so weird. i recently went vegetarian for a month, and since then i haven't eaten meat much at all, it's just not as appealing anymore. but this morning i just couldn't stop. and after that, i had most of a cupcake too. then, i went and threw all that up too. by the time i'd finished, my throat was killing me, and i was sure i wouldn't eat again, today at least. but in the afternoon, my parent, thinking she was being nice, brought out some chips. i wasn't even hungry, but once again i said to myself, i'll just have one, and of course, one turned in to far too many. that earned me another ten minutes of facetime with the toilet. and after that, i had more easter eggs. and purged them too. it was a stupid day. generally when i fast i don't exercise nearly as much as usual, because my body doesn't have enough energy, and i wasn't planning on doing anything too major today. but seeing as i fucked up so much, i figured i'd better get off my ass and do something at least. 'something' turned into a two and a half hour run/fast walk up and down lots of hills. once i got back, i thought, okay. that's that, no more food. (i'd missed tea time while i was out, so that was good.) but no, i had to go and have more damn chocolate. by this time, i figured i may as well eat it all now, let my body get rid of it all, and there won't be any left lying around to mess me up in future, and i can get back to not eating. but not just yet. i think i'll make myself a pizza, seeing as there's leftover toppings from the other night, when everyone else made pizzas. it was certainly many, many times healthier than a bought pizza, but still way way wayyyyy much more food than i needed. i wasn't even one little bit hungry. WHAT IS IT THAT DRIVES ME TO EAT TO THE POINT OF BEING SO FULL THAT I FEEL SICK?! I DON'T EVEN KNOW. it's just crazy.
anyway.
despite the fact that i got majorly off track today, i'm still in a somewhat positive mood. normally after a shit day like this, i just totally hate myself and think oh my god, i've fucked up again, just like i always do. but today, i know i've messed up, but i know that there's going to be a tomorrow, and i can make tomorrow be better than today. i just have to be strong. i can be strong, and i will make every day better than the last until i am thin.

oh, and in addition to my marathon this afternoon/evening, before i go to bed, i'm going to vacuum the whole house, thoroughly clean the bathroom, and completely clean and organize my room. then i'll do crunches and suchlike in my room until my body gives out. i doubt i'll last long, i've been awake for the last 21 hours. boo. but i have to do something to try and make up for all that disgusting food. arg.

wish me luck pretties, i so need it right now!