alignment

i've been sorting my head out the last few days, that's why i haven't been on, sorry. (i'm going to read up on everyone's blogs once i've finished this.)

i'm all straightened out now, and feeling so much better.

the last couple of days have been really good in particular, and i'm so happy, which is kinda unusual.

why i'm so happy:

my life: i struggle with social anxiety, and that coupled with my ed makes it too hard for me to go out in public 98% of the time. i just can't stop thinking about how i look, how fat i am, and i worry about it so much that i can't concentrate, or have a good time. it's so unpleasant that i just avoid going out as much as possible. since the end of last year, after i quit my job, i've practically been a hermit. (i dropped out of school a year ago, so that's not an issue.) but saturday night i was feeling reasonably okay with myself, with how i looked, and the fact that i hadn't eaten for a couple of days, (that always makes me feel happier with myself, i don't know why) and i hadn't seen my best friend for weeks or seen her new house and i missed her so much so i told her to come pick me up. it was so good to see her, and her house is amazing! i was still worrying a bit about my appearance, but not so much that i couldn't enjoy myself. we had a really good time just talking and watching movies all night. it was the happiest i've felt for a long time. so hopefully, i'll keep getting more and more confident, and be able to start seeing all my other friends again too, and more often. there's so many people i miss so much, and i hate that it's my fault i don't see them.

my hair: my hair is looking amazing again! (i cut all but a couple of inches off a couple months ago, because it was really gross and dead from bleaching/dying too much, and i thought 'well, i could just get rid of it, and let all the colour grow out and voila, nice hair again" so i did, and it looked terrible) but it's growing back well, and it's in such nice condition.

my face: i started wearing makeup again. i haven't much at all the last couple of months because i just didn't care about how i looked at all, and i never went anywhere so it didn't matter. but now that i'm happy with my hair again, i figured i may as well prettify my face too, and it's actually made a big difference to how i feel about myself. wow, that sounds so horribly shallow.

my fat: i saw my best friend and her family yesterday. i love them all so much, but most of them are really overweight, and that just gave me so much motivation to not eat. the fact that they are fat doesn't make any difference to how much i love them, or what i think of them; i kind of think of their fat separately to them, to who they really are, like with no emotional or personal connection (if that makes sense) and it's something that i really, really don't want for myself. i don't judge them by it, only myself.

although i'm not happy with how fat i am, i feel like right now, mentally,  i'm in a really good place to stay strong, and keep fasting til it's all gone.

fasting: i've been fasting for about three and a half days, and it's going incredibly well. i have no desire to eat whatsoever. it's easter sunday today, and i'm hoping i don't get given too much chocolate, but even if i do, i'm fairly confident i'll be able to resist eating even one bite. i really feel like i'm in the perfect mindset to keep this going for a long time.

so, with all those things combined, and a great 12 hour sleep, i'm feeling pretty damn good right now.

everything is finally falling in to place.