a bit of an update

this is just an overview of the last couple days, foodwise at least. i'm going to write a loooong one later, because some crazy shit's happened lately and i need to vent, but i don't have enough time just now.

anyway
on thursday night, when i went out with sidney, i hadn't planned on eating much at all. but i gave in to the temptation of fresh double-choc subway cookies.
weak, i know.
i didn't really feel too bad for eating because it really wasn't that much, but i was feeling pretty sick physically. i wanted to purge but there wasn't any way that could have happened. anyway, we went home and watched some movies, and i ate a bit more. by then, i was disappointed in myself. but i told myself 'it's okay, i just won't eat tomorrow.'
butttt i did, some chips, yuck. that was about 1ish, i think. then that afternoon, shit went down, and i didn't eat anything more that day.

generally, i think of binging as being uncontrolled eating, or eating when i'm not hungry; eating just for the sake of eating, even if it's not a big amount.
so by that definition, i binged and purged three times today.
two of the times i ate, it wouldn't have been enough food to make up a normal person sized meal, but it was more than what i would usually allow myself to eat at one time, and i definitely wasn't eating because i 'needed' to. so, i'm calling it binging.
i was pretty much just eating so that i could throw up again.
crazy, i know.
i've really lost it lately.
i'm just glad that at least all that food isn't in my stomach.

surprise success

well, after my disgusting binge the other night, things have been a lot better. i didn't want to come on here and say that i was doing well too soon, in case i jinxed it.
i barely ate anything yesterday before tea time, just some jellybelly jelly beans. (amazing!) and i only ate a small bit at dinner, and i purged straight after. so i feel like i didn't do too badly, especially for not planning specifically what i was/wasn't going to eat.
seeing as that worked so well, i didn't start today with any real plans either, and it's just after four and i still haven't eaten. i'm going out with sidney soon, and my parent is expecting me to eat tea while i'm out, but i won't have to, because sidney is used to me not eating. so yay! and then tonight is going to be so good, dnming and watching movies :D

:D:D:D:D:D:D

a tiny step closer

ahhh.
my grandparents were still here today, so once again i ate more than i'd planned, but still, it was better than yesterday again, which is great. i had a cupcake in the morning, then a little while ago i had some cheese and almonds and stuff. it wasn't much but i felt so full and disgusting so i tried to purge. i couldn't get anything up though, so i've decided that i will not, under any circumstances or for any reason eat anything more tonight, which will be hardddd, 'cause i always get more nibblish at night. i'm going to make an edit on this post just before i go to bed, to say if i stuck to that or not, just for some extra motivation. i'm going to have my water bottle in my hand at all times, and i'll keep drinking til water is coming out my ears if that's what it'll take to stop me eating more food. i'll just stay on here and read blogs, look at thinspo, anything to reinforce the idea that putting food in my mouth is going to keep me from being thin, which is what i want more than anything.

anyway, in other news, my grandparents just left to go home, they live about three and a half hours away so i don't get to see them much. they are the nicest people ever, and they gave me some money before they went, which is so good, 'cause i only had 43 cents haha. and i planned a sleepover with one of my best friends, sidney (not her real name, but that's the name i'll use to refer to her throughout this blog) for thursday, so i'm pretty excited right now (: i've known her since i was four, and we just totally get each other, she's amazing. and she's also super-skinny, like, the skinniest person i know. if you saw her, you'd probably think she has an ED, but she doesn't. she eats like a pig, but she has an insanely high metabolism. it's so not fair! she's pretty used to me not eating around her, so thursday and friday shouldn't be too hard.

i think that's all i've got for now, i'll pop on again quickly just before bed, hopefully with good news!


//edit://

i failed.
i ate.
and i couldn't even make myself purge.
i'm seriously just so disgusted with myself.
i feel sick.
i'm fat.
revolting.
filthy.
a big fucking failure.
god, i hate myself.

one day at a time, each better than the last.

just take it one day at a time.

something i've never been able to do.

i've always just been looking too far ahead, and been too impatient.

that hasn't got me anywhere.

so, i'm just going to try to focus on each day one at a time, as they come, and make each one better than the one before.

today wasn't great, but it was considerably better than yesterday, and that's what i'm focusing on.

i had been planning to fast, but my grandparents came to visit,  and of course they brought chocolate and food, ugh. and then i had to cook for them and the rest of the family, and i ended up eating some of that too. i tried purging, but i just couldn't get much up, my throat was so sore.

but still, it was an improvement from yesterday, and tomorrow is going to be better than today.

i am strong, and i can do this.

i will be thin, and i will be perfect.

ahh shit.

well, after such an optimistic start, today turned to shit, food-wise.
i got so much chocolate, it was ridiculous. i thought, i'll just have one. then one more, then another, then i decided fuck it, i'll just eat a bunch, and go purge. so i did, then i put all the other eggs together and put then in a hard to get to place in my room, determined to not even think of them, let alone eat them.
then the rest of the family went to church, and i wandered over to the fridge and found leftovers from last night, spag-bol. and i just started eating the meat sauce. it was so weird. i recently went vegetarian for a month, and since then i haven't eaten meat much at all, it's just not as appealing anymore. but this morning i just couldn't stop. and after that, i had most of a cupcake too. then, i went and threw all that up too. by the time i'd finished, my throat was killing me, and i was sure i wouldn't eat again, today at least. but in the afternoon, my parent, thinking she was being nice, brought out some chips. i wasn't even hungry, but once again i said to myself, i'll just have one, and of course, one turned in to far too many. that earned me another ten minutes of facetime with the toilet. and after that, i had more easter eggs. and purged them too. it was a stupid day. generally when i fast i don't exercise nearly as much as usual, because my body doesn't have enough energy, and i wasn't planning on doing anything too major today. but seeing as i fucked up so much, i figured i'd better get off my ass and do something at least. 'something' turned into a two and a half hour run/fast walk up and down lots of hills. once i got back, i thought, okay. that's that, no more food. (i'd missed tea time while i was out, so that was good.) but no, i had to go and have more damn chocolate. by this time, i figured i may as well eat it all now, let my body get rid of it all, and there won't be any left lying around to mess me up in future, and i can get back to not eating. but not just yet. i think i'll make myself a pizza, seeing as there's leftover toppings from the other night, when everyone else made pizzas. it was certainly many, many times healthier than a bought pizza, but still way way wayyyyy much more food than i needed. i wasn't even one little bit hungry. WHAT IS IT THAT DRIVES ME TO EAT TO THE POINT OF BEING SO FULL THAT I FEEL SICK?! I DON'T EVEN KNOW. it's just crazy.
anyway.
despite the fact that i got majorly off track today, i'm still in a somewhat positive mood. normally after a shit day like this, i just totally hate myself and think oh my god, i've fucked up again, just like i always do. but today, i know i've messed up, but i know that there's going to be a tomorrow, and i can make tomorrow be better than today. i just have to be strong. i can be strong, and i will make every day better than the last until i am thin.

oh, and in addition to my marathon this afternoon/evening, before i go to bed, i'm going to vacuum the whole house, thoroughly clean the bathroom, and completely clean and organize my room. then i'll do crunches and suchlike in my room until my body gives out. i doubt i'll last long, i've been awake for the last 21 hours. boo. but i have to do something to try and make up for all that disgusting food. arg.

wish me luck pretties, i so need it right now!

alignment

i've been sorting my head out the last few days, that's why i haven't been on, sorry. (i'm going to read up on everyone's blogs once i've finished this.)

i'm all straightened out now, and feeling so much better.

the last couple of days have been really good in particular, and i'm so happy, which is kinda unusual.

why i'm so happy:

my life: i struggle with social anxiety, and that coupled with my ed makes it too hard for me to go out in public 98% of the time. i just can't stop thinking about how i look, how fat i am, and i worry about it so much that i can't concentrate, or have a good time. it's so unpleasant that i just avoid going out as much as possible. since the end of last year, after i quit my job, i've practically been a hermit. (i dropped out of school a year ago, so that's not an issue.) but saturday night i was feeling reasonably okay with myself, with how i looked, and the fact that i hadn't eaten for a couple of days, (that always makes me feel happier with myself, i don't know why) and i hadn't seen my best friend for weeks or seen her new house and i missed her so much so i told her to come pick me up. it was so good to see her, and her house is amazing! i was still worrying a bit about my appearance, but not so much that i couldn't enjoy myself. we had a really good time just talking and watching movies all night. it was the happiest i've felt for a long time. so hopefully, i'll keep getting more and more confident, and be able to start seeing all my other friends again too, and more often. there's so many people i miss so much, and i hate that it's my fault i don't see them.

my hair: my hair is looking amazing again! (i cut all but a couple of inches off a couple months ago, because it was really gross and dead from bleaching/dying too much, and i thought 'well, i could just get rid of it, and let all the colour grow out and voila, nice hair again" so i did, and it looked terrible) but it's growing back well, and it's in such nice condition.

my face: i started wearing makeup again. i haven't much at all the last couple of months because i just didn't care about how i looked at all, and i never went anywhere so it didn't matter. but now that i'm happy with my hair again, i figured i may as well prettify my face too, and it's actually made a big difference to how i feel about myself. wow, that sounds so horribly shallow.

my fat: i saw my best friend and her family yesterday. i love them all so much, but most of them are really overweight, and that just gave me so much motivation to not eat. the fact that they are fat doesn't make any difference to how much i love them, or what i think of them; i kind of think of their fat separately to them, to who they really are, like with no emotional or personal connection (if that makes sense) and it's something that i really, really don't want for myself. i don't judge them by it, only myself.

although i'm not happy with how fat i am, i feel like right now, mentally,  i'm in a really good place to stay strong, and keep fasting til it's all gone.

fasting: i've been fasting for about three and a half days, and it's going incredibly well. i have no desire to eat whatsoever. it's easter sunday today, and i'm hoping i don't get given too much chocolate, but even if i do, i'm fairly confident i'll be able to resist eating even one bite. i really feel like i'm in the perfect mindset to keep this going for a long time.

so, with all those things combined, and a great 12 hour sleep, i'm feeling pretty damn good right now.

everything is finally falling in to place.

fffffffff

i am a fat ugly failure.

no matter how much i starve.

no matter how long i spend with my face in the toilet,

no matter how much my throat aches from throwing up.

no matter how much i lose.

disgusting

fat

ugly

failure.



you what?

i ate some almonds.

so what?

big deal.

correct.

it turned in to a very large deal.

i ate one. one became three, then five, then i munched my way through ten, twenty, twenty-five, god knows how many.

i expected to feel a little bad at least, but after a couple of minutes i just could not stand the fact that i'd eaten and not throw it up.

i just had to get them out of me.

the smell of a few almonds and stomach acid is truly ungodly. too much information, i know. sorry. i'm just more upset about the fact that mia seems to have a much stronger grip on me than i'd thought.

she's kind of like my safety net; i know she's there, but i'd rather not need her.

if i fail ana and go on a binge, or, more lately, if i eat at all, mia is the only thing that has a chance of making  me feel better.

i guess, if i don't eat, i won't have anything to purge, and goodbye mia.

that's some pretty twisted logic, i'll admit.

a whole lotta random.

that is my computer background at the moment.

i can see the screen when i'm standing at the fridge, door open, trying to convince myself i'm 'just looking'.

there's not even any nice food in the fridge.

every time i get something out, i look over and say to myself  'ahem. do you think those pretty, thin girls got that way by eating -insert whatever disgusting thing i'm holding here-? no. you can bet your giant underpants they didn't. 

if you want to look like that, you don't eat.

got it?'

and then i don't eat, and i feel ridiculously and undeservedly proud of myself.

despite that, i did cheat and have a glass of soft drink, and later a glass of fat-free milk.

ugh.

at least it was only liquids i cheated with, i'm not hating myself  too much.

but tomorrow will be better.

and i'm not having anything but water for the rest of my day, which is really night. yay, nocturnalism.

it's a full moon tonight, it's incredibly beautiful.

oh, and here's just a quick shoutout to my first actual follower, haha.

thankyou SimplyHeather!

anyway, that's enough for now i think, i'll probably write some more later though.

courage

one of my favouritest songs everrr, i thought it deserved its own post (:

   courage   

superchick

i told another lie today

and i got through this day

no one saw through my games

i know the right words to say

like "i don't feel well," "i ate before i came."

then someone tells me how good i look

and for a moment, for a moment, i am happy

but when i'm alone, no one hears me cry..

i need you to know

i'm not through the night

some days i'm still fighting to walk towards the light

i need you to know

that we'll be okay

together we can make it through another day.

i don't know the first time i felt unbeautiful

the day i chose not to eat
what i do know is how it changed my life forever
i know i should know better

there are days when i'm okay

and for a moment, for a moment i find hope

but there are days when i'm not okay

and i need your help

so i'm letting go..

i need you to know

i'm not through the night

some days i'm still fighting to walk towards the light

i need you to know

that we'll be okay

together we can make it through another day.

you should know, you're not on your own

these secrets are walls that keep us alone

i don't know when, but i know now

together we'll make it through somehow

together we'll make it through somehow.

i need you to know

i'm not through the night

some days i'm still fighting to walk towards the light

i need you to know

that we'll be okay

together we can make it through another day.



resisting temptation

today has been good!
except for when i woke up this evening (i'm nocturnal at the moment), my mother was just walking in the door, and she had just bought a bunch of my favourite food; coleslaw, lemon-lime solo, tim-tams, and to top it all off, chocolate croissants, which i have not had in forever! i avoided everything but two tiny bites of croissant. (i managed to throw the rest away)
if she hadn't seen me eating that, she would have been pretty suspicious, which i can not afford to have happen! apart from the chocolate croissant, i only had a glass of juice, some green tea and heaps of water.
so i'm still counting today as a fast day, because i ate barely anything, and only because i had to.
i hate throwing food away and wasting it, but seeing as it's only my mother and i in the house at the moment, i pretty much have to, otherwise she'd notice :/
i'm really hoping i can stick this fast out, so i can have a break from purging, and my throat, lips and knuckles can recover. i'm more determined than ever, i just want to be thin.

i want tiny arms.

i want beautiful, delicate wrists and hands.

i want my pretty collarbones to stand out.

i want a tiny waist, and my hipbones to stick out.

i want to see my ribs.

i want amazing, stick-thin legs.

i want every ridge of my spine to cast a shadow.

i want to be pretty.

 

plans

i'm hoping if i put my eating plans on this blog, i will be more likely to stick to them. even though i doubt anyone is reading this yet, i'd still hate to have to mention any embarrassing slip-ups!
the grand scheme:
a juice/green tea/water fast until 11.59 april 30, at least.
psh, only fifteen tiny little days.
totally achievable.
i can do this.
i will do this.
i am going to be the girl every other girl wants to be.
i am going to be the girl every other girl hates simply because she is so thin.
i am going to prove to all those stupid bitches who hated on me because i was literally only a few kilograms heavier than them that i am beautiful.
i will be thin.

such a yoyo.

binge.
purge.
binge
purge
binge purge
binge purge binge purge bingepurgebingepurgebinge and purge.
that was all i did for the last two hours.
at least i threw most of it back up, but i still feel horrible.
purging should not be an excuse to pig out! ugh.
i hate the way i look, i hate being a fat disgusting whale. and yet, i do the one thing that is going to keep me that way.  what i need is more motivation, and the right mindset to do one looong fast. the first few days are always the hardest, after that its easy peasy. the first step is always the hardest.

here's hoping tomorrow will be a better day.

f.a.t spells fat

ugh.
third day of juice fasting.
so, i did a saltwater flush. THEN i just had to go a wreck it by binging on frozen yoghurt. it can't have been more than 150cal, but i feel fucking disgusting. i am disgusting. i am fat.
i was halfway through before i noticed that ana was screaming at me, begging me not to eat. i told her to shut up, and kept right on. the second i finished, i felt guilty. it's not even worth eating, for how horrible i feel after. and yet, i did it.
fat
fat
fat
fat
fat

soemptysopretty@hotmail.com