OH MY GOD

my internet on my computer died.
which is why i havent been on!
fark, so annoying!
i really wanted to be on here every day, and updating, but nooooo.
im amazed it worked just now, so if its a long time before im on again, you know why!

anyway, i got a new phone finally, so im going to take photos of myself every day, for a couple of reasons:
 -so i can personally see some progress
 -so i can look back at how disgusting i was
 -for more motivation; i detest photos of even just my face or anything, so having to upload photos of all my disgusting fat is bound to make me think seriously about whether i want to eat or not!

obviously i wont be able to upload them every day, but each time im on ill just upload any from days i havent been on.

ah.
right.
so since my last post, ive been majorly fasting and restricting.
right now, im 38.5 hours into a fast.
i never want to eat again.
i went out with my friends yesterday, who i havent seen for weeks.
getting dressed was so horrible.
i looked so fucking fat in everything.
all of them are skinny.
i just wanted to die.
but
yesterday was the first day of my new forever,
of not eating,
of being skinny.

im going to fucking do this.

i'll try to catch up on all your blogs now, im so sorry for being away so long!
stay strong lovelies<3

sometimes,

i smile,

just thinking about how

beautiful

and

perfect

im gonna be

C:

iaslduyttuyh food makes me sickkkkk

ugh
so the whole no eating for the day plan got a little off track, but once again, not so terrible that im really beating myself up over it. although, any failure is bad.

so before i left to see my boyfriend, i had some cheese and dry biscuits, i know, wtf. cheese. eugh.
and all the while i was eating, i was trying to tell myself that it was because my boyfriend notices that my stomach growls all the time, and i didnt want him getting sus. but deep down i knew there was no excuse good enough.

then when i went to his house, i was feeding him dinner while he was gaming (homemade chicken fried rice), no, he isn't disabled ahaha he was just busy so i fed him c: anyway, whenever he eats, i always have a few bites of what he's eating, and he was like, why aren't you eating any? cause im pretty sure he didnt believe i ate before i came, so i let him feed me three or four bites. still a shit excuse, i could have said no :/

and then, i had two small bites of caramel mud cake.
fatfatfatfatfatfatfat.

i guess it wasnt really all that much food all up, but i still shouldnt have eaten at all.

at least i paid for it, writhing in agony from stomach pains for the last hour, and wanting to throw up since i ate :/
i would have, but there's no way that i could have done it without my boyfriend noticing.

anyway, im off to bed, im so exhausted lately :C

stay strong lovelies
<3

today is a good happy day C:

makes a nice change, i must say!
i ended up eating more than i planned yesterday, but not so much that i really hate myself for it.
today, since i got up, which was quite early, ive just been reading blogs and finding more thinspo, and ive just been drinking water constantly. i also had one green tea, and a caffeine pill, cause i was feeling like i needed some small energy boost.
so, im feeling quite proud of myself, and ive planned the rest of my day out too; its about 2pm now, and im going to go to my boyfriend's around five, which means i can tell my mum im eating there, but i can tell him ive already eaten. and ofcourse i wont eat anything before i go.
im really hoping i dont slip up when i get home, depending on how late it is ill either just come on here some more and read blogs and look at thinspo, or just go to bed.
im going to try so hard to not eat a thing today, not even some small snacky thing at my boyfriends C:

hope you are all doing fantastically too <:
<3

fat

fat

Fat

FAT

fat

FAT

UGLY

DISGUSTING

WORTHLESS

NOTHING

BROKEN

IMPERFECT

FLAWED

FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT

all ill ever be.

someone be my ana buddy :D

i need girlies to talk to about all this stuff D:
cause like, no one in my real life knows about any of this, i want people who understand me, and get me, who can support me, and who i can support in return C:
if you wanna chat, pleeeeeease email me, soemptysopretty@hotmail.com, i can talk to you there, or add you on msn and facebook <:

yay working out!

woke up this morning, and my back which has been like fucked for over a month, like right down my lower back, the tailbone, is all better! just miraculously, like that :D
which is fantastic, because now i can work out and exercise again, up until now everything hurt, walking, sitting, standing, any moving really aha and even lying down. but now it's fixed :D
im pretty excited ahaha C:
i am having pretty savage cramps though, and a bit of a crick in my neck, but i can definitely ignore those, now that my back is fine, to get skinny <:

yeah, im desperate.

i want people to look at me and think im sick

that im too thin

that i need to eat something

that i need help

i want them to whisper as they walk past, how jealous they are

how thin i am

how beautiful i am

i want everyone i know to be shocked when they see me

i want them to talk about me

i want them to be so envious

i want them to want to be me

i want to show them i am better than they are, a thousand times over

i want to be perfect

flawless

beautiful

thin

with nothing to hide

and be detested and envied for it

i want to show them all that they are wrong and be the best

i want to live

i want to be free

i want to be happy

i want to be thin

it would appear that half of my last post got chopped off as i pressed publish post, now i have to try to remember what i wrote :/

im back; hopefully for good.. or at least until im thin and beautiful C:

i cant believe everything thats happened in the last three months since i was on here..

the most important one being, without a doubt, meeting my absolutely amazing boyfriend of two and a half months. already he has supported me through so much, hes my best friend and i couldnt live without him.

     

im going to try so hard to post regularly from now on; i just had so much crazy stuff going on and things to sort out in my life, as well as no internet for quite a stretch, even though thats a really crappy excuse, thats why i havent been on aha.

so, yeah.

over the last three months, give or take, ive gone through periods of fasting, binging/purging, restricting, and just normal eating habits, but with no noticeable change in my weight.
the last week or so though, ive been really getting back into the spirit of things, and this morning, i had an amazing epiphany:

i only have to do one thing to be perfectly happy in my life: not eat.
it's that simple.

ceebs writing everything else that got deleted hahah, but i'll try and keep posting often <: